Friday, November 14, 2008
A Lack of Color
There is something in me that has developed over the past few years. A lack of confidence. A muted " I wont say anything in case I say the wrong thing" kind of attitude. I want to know what happened to me. I used to be a go-getter, the teachers pet, outspoken and confident. I feel like the closer I get to adulthood, to post-college-on-my-own-life the more I withdraw and hide. I feel like I am always making excuses for my lack of confidence or intellect. I know that I am a smart, capable, driven person, but there are few settings in which I feel truly comfortable sharing that. My internship this summer was a great learning experience and I had my confidence tested all the time. I cried a lot, but also grew a lot. I learned how to take criticism on my writing and I ended up getting a very good review from them. Now, studying abroad I feel like that dumb girl from a tiny state school amongst the brains from expensive private schools who has always done well and been active in school. I know that most of them are not all that much smarter than me. I am certainly capable of holding my own in class and on tests and papers, but I cant seem to vocalize it. I have a serious issue with public speaking, even around my peers. When a mass group comes together I get nervous and shakey. If it is just a small group it is fine. The thing is, this seems to conflict with my leading nature. I like to lead. I naturally take charge in situations and especially group projects. Yesterday I had a presentation and for the first time all semester I spoke a lot and fairly well. I led us as a group and it just seemed normal. So how can I learn not to let my head get in the way other times? How can I learn to stop making excuses and correct my ways? I know that I cannot continue to be this way if I want to succeed in life. I am going to have to stick up for myself and speak out, not be the meek pushover. My friend once said that my downfall was not having a wild streak where I hit rock bottom and that after that I was full of confidence because I knew what it was like to be so low and know that you can never go any lower. Well, Id like to find my own solution without a drug habit or rebellious phase, but I can see what he means. I just feel like Ive always been pretty good at a lot of things and never excellent at one thing. It is weird because I dont believe in fate, but for some people it seems so obvious that they are meant to do one thing. I dont feel this way. I have constant doubts about my future and my major. I know that there isnt going to be any quick answer to is this the right career path for me, but I would like to find a way to be comfortable with myself and believe in myself without anyone else telling me to. I want to believe it because in my strife for success I am going to need it. I dont think that I can become the person I want to without that kind of confidence. I really need to find it.
Near Misses
Regrets can be as simple as wishing we had remembered an umbrella on a rainy day and as complicated as wishing one didnt choose that school or that partner or that job. I dont have many regrets in my short twenty years, but I can see why others might. Mostly, I have regrets about not becoming closer to certain people in my life. About not reaching out when there obviously is something there or a friendship about to bud. There are two people that fit this discription in my life, both of whom I grew closer to this summer. Being in college makes life tricky. The constant shuffle, transported from my hometown to my college town, transitioning from one group of friends and environment to the other. This summer when my high school friends failed me, I turned to my coworkers. People that I grew to love and care about, even though our socialization primarily took place at work. These two are both guys, one my peer who I instantly hit it off with, whose sense of humor makes me smile and carefree ways make me jealous. The other is someone slightly older, who has gone through so much in his life, who is so troubled but also has so much to give. My relationship with the two grew over the summer and we did become friends, but I only hung out with both of them is confusing. Our affection for one another is obvious, but what is that affection? Purely platonic? Do they like me? Do I like them? Am I attracted to them? I really have no clue what the real answers are, all I know is that I gravitate towards both of them and when an easy and instant connection and friendship is made its not something I want to surpass.
I have not heard from the older guy since the summer. I gave him my email hoping he would write some witty piece that would make me think and laugh. I hoped to write back to him and tell him about my travels in Europe. I thought something would go further with our relationship instead of being stunted until Christmas when then it would be replenished like a dying plant with water and sunlight. Now with him,I am sort of sure he had a thing for me. I went to his birthday party and drank until 6 am, we talked about music and he sat close to me on the couch. As I was about to leave in his drunken state he shouted out something like " Its okay I get it. Youre not interested." WHOA did not see that coming. The truth is, I dont know if I am and its not fair to lead him on, but I did not want things to end like that.I didnt see him after that because I was leaving for Denmark, but I left him another mix CD and hoped that would be a peace offering or at least encourage him to write to me. I really valued what we had started. I am a sucker for a guy with intellect, for someone who could give a shit about appearing like a smart college-bred guy but who has all the components to really do something amazing. I know it sounds cliche, but this is this guy. He is the smartest person Ive ever met with the biggest vocabulary. He writes hilarious and poignant memoirs about his adolescence and early twenties--stories that are so ridiculous they hardly seem real and could only happen to him. I love talking about music and books with him. I wish we could have kept our reparte up. I have no idea what will happen when I go back. Im sure he will be friendly and we will talk music and I will tell him about Europe, but hes the kind of person I want to reach out to and get close to. I want to see where he lives and how he lives, meet up for coffee and just talk, but I dont know how to do that with him. He is a very closed off person. He makes fun of you if he likes you. If he doesnt like you, he doesnt talk to you. Its funny because it was always so obvious that the only things he could find to make fun of me were that I dressed like a librarian and was a Herendeen. Two things he couldnt love more. Nerdy girls and my family. He really wants to be one of us, not having a good family of his own. Its hard because we are often in two different places and because we are at two different points in our lives. How do you become close with someone who rarely lets people in and with someone who already gave you a shot at getting close? I dont know. I just really appreciate who he is and how talented he is. I wish I was as naturally gifted as he and to be honest, I really appreciate that he likes me. This silly 20 year old who thinks she knows a lot about the world but probably doesnt, who is school-minded but not that smart. It is just nice that someone would look at me and think that I am smart enough and interesting enough and appreciate what I have to give and say.
I have not heard from the older guy since the summer. I gave him my email hoping he would write some witty piece that would make me think and laugh. I hoped to write back to him and tell him about my travels in Europe. I thought something would go further with our relationship instead of being stunted until Christmas when then it would be replenished like a dying plant with water and sunlight. Now with him,I am sort of sure he had a thing for me. I went to his birthday party and drank until 6 am, we talked about music and he sat close to me on the couch. As I was about to leave in his drunken state he shouted out something like " Its okay I get it. Youre not interested." WHOA did not see that coming. The truth is, I dont know if I am and its not fair to lead him on, but I did not want things to end like that.I didnt see him after that because I was leaving for Denmark, but I left him another mix CD and hoped that would be a peace offering or at least encourage him to write to me. I really valued what we had started. I am a sucker for a guy with intellect, for someone who could give a shit about appearing like a smart college-bred guy but who has all the components to really do something amazing. I know it sounds cliche, but this is this guy. He is the smartest person Ive ever met with the biggest vocabulary. He writes hilarious and poignant memoirs about his adolescence and early twenties--stories that are so ridiculous they hardly seem real and could only happen to him. I love talking about music and books with him. I wish we could have kept our reparte up. I have no idea what will happen when I go back. Im sure he will be friendly and we will talk music and I will tell him about Europe, but hes the kind of person I want to reach out to and get close to. I want to see where he lives and how he lives, meet up for coffee and just talk, but I dont know how to do that with him. He is a very closed off person. He makes fun of you if he likes you. If he doesnt like you, he doesnt talk to you. Its funny because it was always so obvious that the only things he could find to make fun of me were that I dressed like a librarian and was a Herendeen. Two things he couldnt love more. Nerdy girls and my family. He really wants to be one of us, not having a good family of his own. Its hard because we are often in two different places and because we are at two different points in our lives. How do you become close with someone who rarely lets people in and with someone who already gave you a shot at getting close? I dont know. I just really appreciate who he is and how talented he is. I wish I was as naturally gifted as he and to be honest, I really appreciate that he likes me. This silly 20 year old who thinks she knows a lot about the world but probably doesnt, who is school-minded but not that smart. It is just nice that someone would look at me and think that I am smart enough and interesting enough and appreciate what I have to give and say.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Love is Simple
So I've been in Denmark for over 2 months now, traveled for three weeks to London, Prague, Berlin, Rome and Florence and had an amazing time. It's remarkable how many places and things I have seen in the world. From The Sistine Chapel to the pyramids to the Berlin Wall. I feel very lucky. I love being here and no longer have any qualms about it. Despite the fact that it's like a fake life, I love being on my own and living in a city. Even the little things like taking public transportation, cooking for myself and taking in all the bustle of city life. I do not want to go back to New Paltz purely because I don't want to be in college anymore; I feel ready for adulthood, complete with a job and apartment and location away from the parents. What I really want to write about, however, is something about the election, since yesterday was a momentous day in American history.
In Denmark, the Danes were just as eager as the Americans to watch the election. Many of them joined us at the Happy Pig, a hole-in the wall sort of bar that was crammed full of American students eager to see the outcome of the race. Our six-hours ahead meant that while our families and friends back home were watching in primetime, we were watching in the wee hours of the morning, carlsbergs clenched in our fits ready for consumption, their purpose to simultaneously calm our nerves and pump them up. As an American abroad, my fear over this election has become one of a more global perspective. I see firsthand how our economic crisis is causing failures in Europe, how the costs of goods are going up as one after another economies fall into recession. For the past eight years we have been the shame of the world, everyone looking down upon us for our presidents deeds--a man who has proven undeserving of our trust, yet a man who we elected, entrusting the most important decisions of our lives in his hands. For my generation, we were finally given the promise of a new beginning. Not a tabula rosa, but at least a low starting ground where we can slowly climb our way back up, one wrung at a time, hopefully regaining the trust of the world and the trust of citizens towards government. So we drank and we watched. It was not until 1 that any information started to come in and even then we only saw the obvious states. Vermont was the first to go blue and slowly others followed. McCain has has share of wins too, but the preliminary results showed Obama winning in Pennsylvania, Indiana, Florida and Virgina. All swing states, all vital to a win. Indiana and Virginia soon became too close to call, but the key state in 2000, Florida went blue as did the swinger in 2004, Pennsylvania. My confidence was building, partially because of the two beers I had, partially because of the chorus of cheers every time Obama won a state and partially because I truly believed that our country was going to make the first right choice in eight years. My friends and I watched in anticipation, spouting liberal politics that certainly sounded uneducated, but we were fired up, dammit. None of us were over the age of 30, most of us were voting in our first presidential race. It could not get any better than that. A collection of young Americans, open-minded and liberal and a black man who was going to dig us out of a ditch was getting closer and closer to a victory. At some point I had to leave the bar and try and find my way home by night bus. This itself was an adventure, taking about an hour although I only live 20 minutes from central Copenhagen. My friend passed out on my couch, but it was only 4 and nothing had been decided yet although the odds were considerably in Obama's favor at this point. At 5 something a danish news clip was interrupted by Katie Couric, announcing that Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States. The happiness and relief seeped in. I didn't have to worry about Sarah Palin or another Bush. America had come together. We had by considerable measures decided that this man was the right fit for our president. Numbers came out like never before--from young people and minorities. The election of Obama doesn't just prove that our global reputation can be repaired or that there is a chance for a fixed economy, a resolved war, gay marriage or universal health care--it proves that the American dream is a reality. Maybe not for every citizen, but if a bi-racial man who came from nothing and has the middle name Hussein can be our president, it proves that we can strive to the top, no matter our background. We are leaving behind almost a decade of bigotry and hatred and instead choosing acceptance. Never has the term "we" as an American been so inclusive and never have I felt this proud to be American. Now when I meet someone in Europe, I will proudly say that I am American, knowing that they may look at me and my country a little differently.
In Denmark, the Danes were just as eager as the Americans to watch the election. Many of them joined us at the Happy Pig, a hole-in the wall sort of bar that was crammed full of American students eager to see the outcome of the race. Our six-hours ahead meant that while our families and friends back home were watching in primetime, we were watching in the wee hours of the morning, carlsbergs clenched in our fits ready for consumption, their purpose to simultaneously calm our nerves and pump them up. As an American abroad, my fear over this election has become one of a more global perspective. I see firsthand how our economic crisis is causing failures in Europe, how the costs of goods are going up as one after another economies fall into recession. For the past eight years we have been the shame of the world, everyone looking down upon us for our presidents deeds--a man who has proven undeserving of our trust, yet a man who we elected, entrusting the most important decisions of our lives in his hands. For my generation, we were finally given the promise of a new beginning. Not a tabula rosa, but at least a low starting ground where we can slowly climb our way back up, one wrung at a time, hopefully regaining the trust of the world and the trust of citizens towards government. So we drank and we watched. It was not until 1 that any information started to come in and even then we only saw the obvious states. Vermont was the first to go blue and slowly others followed. McCain has has share of wins too, but the preliminary results showed Obama winning in Pennsylvania, Indiana, Florida and Virgina. All swing states, all vital to a win. Indiana and Virginia soon became too close to call, but the key state in 2000, Florida went blue as did the swinger in 2004, Pennsylvania. My confidence was building, partially because of the two beers I had, partially because of the chorus of cheers every time Obama won a state and partially because I truly believed that our country was going to make the first right choice in eight years. My friends and I watched in anticipation, spouting liberal politics that certainly sounded uneducated, but we were fired up, dammit. None of us were over the age of 30, most of us were voting in our first presidential race. It could not get any better than that. A collection of young Americans, open-minded and liberal and a black man who was going to dig us out of a ditch was getting closer and closer to a victory. At some point I had to leave the bar and try and find my way home by night bus. This itself was an adventure, taking about an hour although I only live 20 minutes from central Copenhagen. My friend passed out on my couch, but it was only 4 and nothing had been decided yet although the odds were considerably in Obama's favor at this point. At 5 something a danish news clip was interrupted by Katie Couric, announcing that Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States. The happiness and relief seeped in. I didn't have to worry about Sarah Palin or another Bush. America had come together. We had by considerable measures decided that this man was the right fit for our president. Numbers came out like never before--from young people and minorities. The election of Obama doesn't just prove that our global reputation can be repaired or that there is a chance for a fixed economy, a resolved war, gay marriage or universal health care--it proves that the American dream is a reality. Maybe not for every citizen, but if a bi-racial man who came from nothing and has the middle name Hussein can be our president, it proves that we can strive to the top, no matter our background. We are leaving behind almost a decade of bigotry and hatred and instead choosing acceptance. Never has the term "we" as an American been so inclusive and never have I felt this proud to be American. Now when I meet someone in Europe, I will proudly say that I am American, knowing that they may look at me and my country a little differently.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Frenzied Feelings on Studying Abroad
OOh dear god.
I am in a foreign country for four months and I am freaking out. I just can't stop thinking about not being able to rely on my mom (i'm 20, i should get over it) and how I feel like I dont realy know who I am and maybe I should't have come to a foreign country without knowing that. I suppose I'm still figuring it out and I'm just nervous because it's my first day here. I'm all alone with my danish roommate--who is really nice, but its not like another American student. I think things will be much better when I've made friends and when school is keeping me busy. The unfamiliarity is just so daunting. I have to figure all of this out on my own. I think for some strange reason I was in slight denial about all of this. I was just like--I'll figure it out when I get there. I wish I had mentally prepared myself for being alone, but I dont know if that was really possible. The newness of everything is so overwhelming. I'm exhausted and feel nauseous and really can't wait for tomorrow when orientation will be going on and I'll have a better grasp on things. My computer is going to die soon because I dont have the right adapter. I also think that I had such a great summer in Rochester, where everything is familiar that this transition is particularly rough. Hopefully my next post will be a more cheery one, one filled with insights into danish culture and tales of the city. I just need to stop overanalyzing and take things one step at a time. And also remind myself that I'm a smart and capable person. I can manage all of this and be without my mom, it'll just take a little work.
I am in a foreign country for four months and I am freaking out. I just can't stop thinking about not being able to rely on my mom (i'm 20, i should get over it) and how I feel like I dont realy know who I am and maybe I should't have come to a foreign country without knowing that. I suppose I'm still figuring it out and I'm just nervous because it's my first day here. I'm all alone with my danish roommate--who is really nice, but its not like another American student. I think things will be much better when I've made friends and when school is keeping me busy. The unfamiliarity is just so daunting. I have to figure all of this out on my own. I think for some strange reason I was in slight denial about all of this. I was just like--I'll figure it out when I get there. I wish I had mentally prepared myself for being alone, but I dont know if that was really possible. The newness of everything is so overwhelming. I'm exhausted and feel nauseous and really can't wait for tomorrow when orientation will be going on and I'll have a better grasp on things. My computer is going to die soon because I dont have the right adapter. I also think that I had such a great summer in Rochester, where everything is familiar that this transition is particularly rough. Hopefully my next post will be a more cheery one, one filled with insights into danish culture and tales of the city. I just need to stop overanalyzing and take things one step at a time. And also remind myself that I'm a smart and capable person. I can manage all of this and be without my mom, it'll just take a little work.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Leading Ladies
My new favorite band is The Pierces. It's updated indie folk that could be the soundtrack to a present day sideshow act. Their country rendition is an homage to vaudeville and the dust bowl. They have the aesthetic of a melancholic girl-duo from a graphic novel, not that of pop group. Their sophomore album's cover art (done by one of the Pierces themselves) shares a similar resemblance to Emily the Strange. Their musical comparison to a sideshow act is fitting considering the sisters (Allison and Catherine) are part of a nomadic clan of hippies, a traveling family band raised on backwoods tunes. They are a new addition to the two-girl bands including The Ditty Bops (to whom they sound quite similar at times) and CocoRosie. "Boring" is a song that makes me laugh, mocking celebrities and their "never satisfied" attitude. Other songs are haunting and catchy, like the opener "Secret" and "Sticks and Stones". Both of the girls, trained ballerinas, have mastered their harmonies, particularly with the uber sexy "Lights On" and the pop-pleaser "Kill! Kill! Kill!".
Monday, June 23, 2008
Take me back to the start...please
I was thinking about Coldplay today and wondering if they discovered the perfect recipe for stardom. People love them, critics admit that they're decent enough, they have MASS appeal. They have mastered musical mediocrity and are rewarded for it. They are often lumped with the likes of The Police and U2, as bands that will be timeless because of their overall appeal. I saw Coldplay in concert once. I went for Rilo Kiley and while Coldplay performed a flawless set, it will not rank in my top concerts ever because it was just simply good. There was no surprise, although it was the tour after "X&Y" and I think we were all waiting for the surprise on this album, the song that took it up a notch or the crescendo into a blasting chorus. It never happened. We were all disappointed. The songs on "X&Y" swelled and then dissolved. There was no climax. I think this pretty much sums up Coldplay as a band. Steady, consistent, linear. If they were put on a chart there would be no peaks or valleys, just a single line to represent their safeness.
I also want to know why people put Coldplay in the batch with Radiohead. How are these two bands at all similar apart from the fact that 1. they both have sold a shit load of records 2. Chris Martin wishes he was Thom Yorke.
These thoughts are all arose because Coldplay has put out their 4th (and my guess is 3rd best) album, Viva la Vida. It's supposed to be inspired by Spain, Martin has started wearing body paint again and strange bandanas to try to change his image (I don't know if change is the right word here, since Martin really has no image, apart from arm candy to Gwenyth Paltrow). But Coldplay can get no better than they were on A Rush of Blood to the Head, when I was in 9th grade and thought his lyrics were so poignant and when their songs actually had a climax. When "The Scientist" so perfectly fit my life that a guy actually typed out those lyrics to me in Instant Messenger and I reciprocated with them a month later. The cliches of high school made Coldplay the perfect band, but the open-mindedness of college leaves them no room; they are too ordinary, nowadays I'd rather spend my time with the obscure and unrelatable than a stereotype.
I also like to remember Coldplay as that band who I saw on Vh1 in the early millenium, walking down the beach singing about how yellow it was. I liked yellow. It was simple and sweet, fresh. Now it's boring and overdone, and mostly over. Coldplay is going to be another U2. They'll make album after album that will sell like Furby's in 1998 and each one will have hit after hit, played on mix stations in every city. Irritated by complacency, the rest of us will (and have already) drifted to more progressive and meaningful music, that may not be timeless by American standards, but whose influence and advancing sounds will shape new artists to come. Coldplay can't do that. There cannot be another Coldplay because this band cannot be a hit twice and because their music will influence no one. It's too homogenized to spawn original creation, it would only be an imitation.
I also want to know why people put Coldplay in the batch with Radiohead. How are these two bands at all similar apart from the fact that 1. they both have sold a shit load of records 2. Chris Martin wishes he was Thom Yorke.
These thoughts are all arose because Coldplay has put out their 4th (and my guess is 3rd best) album, Viva la Vida. It's supposed to be inspired by Spain, Martin has started wearing body paint again and strange bandanas to try to change his image (I don't know if change is the right word here, since Martin really has no image, apart from arm candy to Gwenyth Paltrow). But Coldplay can get no better than they were on A Rush of Blood to the Head, when I was in 9th grade and thought his lyrics were so poignant and when their songs actually had a climax. When "The Scientist" so perfectly fit my life that a guy actually typed out those lyrics to me in Instant Messenger and I reciprocated with them a month later. The cliches of high school made Coldplay the perfect band, but the open-mindedness of college leaves them no room; they are too ordinary, nowadays I'd rather spend my time with the obscure and unrelatable than a stereotype.
I also like to remember Coldplay as that band who I saw on Vh1 in the early millenium, walking down the beach singing about how yellow it was. I liked yellow. It was simple and sweet, fresh. Now it's boring and overdone, and mostly over. Coldplay is going to be another U2. They'll make album after album that will sell like Furby's in 1998 and each one will have hit after hit, played on mix stations in every city. Irritated by complacency, the rest of us will (and have already) drifted to more progressive and meaningful music, that may not be timeless by American standards, but whose influence and advancing sounds will shape new artists to come. Coldplay can't do that. There cannot be another Coldplay because this band cannot be a hit twice and because their music will influence no one. It's too homogenized to spawn original creation, it would only be an imitation.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Ethics, Ethics, Ethics...
This post is a little out of the ordinary for me, but I think it fits into the bigger picture of careers and life overall. This semester I have been taking a media ethics class in which we discuss various ethical cases in the journalism field and use certain philosophical principles to analyze them. The professor I have for this class is one of those guys who really challenges students. He has no problem calling people out, or arguing just for the sake of arguing. Sometimes he comes off as a bit pompous and self-righteous, but he is a teacher that doesn't give a shit about getting in all the curriculum or giving you enough tests, he genuinely cares about what you take away from the course. Since it is media ethics, he hopes we take away some greater understanding of ourselves and our ethical choices, whether in journalism or in life. Tonight we had one of those classes that was not an oh let me teach you the curriculum, but instead let's talk about life and society and philosophical questions that we often ignore. He started class with this quote:
"...corruption/never has been compulsory/when the city lies at the/monster's feet there are left the mountains."
-Robinson Jeffers
He framed this quote with the question of what we do in our society, how society works and what drives people. The quote served to show that taking a corrupt path for money or success or any other reason is not compulsory--we don't have to do it. Even when we think there is no choice, there often is. This brought up the idea of when people have choices in life and when their choices are burdened or already made for them due to circumstance. Someone can't help where they are born or the kind of parents they grow up with. Those are unchangeable circumstances. When we are questioned with whether to take the ethical path or the corrupt path, then we do have a choice. We discussed how our society is truly driven by money and our obsession with materialism. It is when we follow the path that will make us the most happy, not grant us the most possessions that we are in the mountains.
All of this talk got me thinking about my own ethical values and where they came from, about my parents, siblings and people around me who serve as varying examples of products of society. For instance, my parents have never been money driven people. They are teachers who mainly want to live a simple, quiet life that is free of financial worry. My brother and I always joke that they are reformed hippies, because while they still uphold many of the view points of the liberal non-mainstream, they have become more "normal". I think this is in part due to the fact that we left the diversity and culture of the city to live in a better school district, a mainly white suburban town. I think my brother and I were also influences on my parents. When we were younger my mom tried to make us eat thick fresh baked slices of bread for our sandwiches, but all we really wanted was homogenized white bread like everyone else. Because my brother and I were young and impressionable, and just plain old kids who wanted to fit in, my family sort of blindly acclamated to our surroundings. Now this isn't all dealing with ethics--I think my parents have remained very moral and conscientious people throughout all this, it's just that now they wear Old Navy and drive an SUV because that's sort of considered normal.
For me this all comes back to another quote we discussed in class, dealing with dreams, "Follow your bliss." What is at the heart of the issue of ethics and our society, is that people don't follow their dreams, they think that the decisions in life are already made for them, that the have to go to college to get a good job and make lots of money. That's it. No questions asked. Few people today step back from this sort of destined path and ask why they are doing this or if this is really what they want. So many of us ignore what we really want to appear normal and to lead a comfortable life. This made me think of other people around me. My parents friend John is probably the biggest hippie I've ever met, and I've met quite a few. His whole life he has supported himself off of his art and music, selling his work and teaching classes. He was one of those people who didn't follow the path people told him to, accept because of his radical views he recently had to find a "real" job. After not paying his taxes for a number of years (his own fault and an ethical dilemma in itself) he is now working as a bus driver. Even though he got himself into this situation, it's sad to think that people who do follow their dreams sometimes get shit on. It makes you think, jesus christ I am so fucked. No matter what I do, if I take the dirty path or the righteous one I'm gonna be screwed. It's a pretty depressing thought.
This also makes me think of my brother. Andrew has always been the child who has wanted to be "normal". He used to dream of being a cartoonist or film maker, but somehow grew out of that and found his true passion: politics. Now I am amazed that my brother loves it so much. He reads more than anyone I know and is so up to date on all world affairs. Politics itself isn't known as an ethical profession and my brother is certainly realistic in his views about politics, but at the same time he really wants to do something good for the world. I find that so admirable. For awhile he thought he was going to become a lawyer for the sake of becoming a lawyer, but in the past year he has decided to follow his true dream, which is to work in intelligence. I have my own ethical issues and questions with the government and intelligence, but this is truly his passion and he is putting himself out on the line by following it. He is going to enlist soon, which scares the hell out of me but it's something he really wants to do. It's just funny because somehow I feel like he is the more mainstream child who wants to backlash against his parents, and I am the child who loves the fact that my parents were hippies and raised me in this sort of weird environment. Andrew is still a serious liberal (my parents might disown him otherwise) but he doesn't have the same appreciation for weirdness and counter culture that I do. It's funny how we're two very different products of the same environment.
Mostly I think I've been really lucky that my parents never stressed the importance of money on me and instead stressed being a good person and doing what I want to do. They never pressured me to follow a certain path, any pressure I felt was self-inflicted. I know it is important to them that I get an education and it's equally as important to me, but I also know that whatever I end up doing or whoever I become they will support me. Their acceptance and support has really shaped who I am, because I never felt the pressure to be anyone but myself.
"...corruption/never has been compulsory/when the city lies at the/monster's feet there are left the mountains."
-Robinson Jeffers
He framed this quote with the question of what we do in our society, how society works and what drives people. The quote served to show that taking a corrupt path for money or success or any other reason is not compulsory--we don't have to do it. Even when we think there is no choice, there often is. This brought up the idea of when people have choices in life and when their choices are burdened or already made for them due to circumstance. Someone can't help where they are born or the kind of parents they grow up with. Those are unchangeable circumstances. When we are questioned with whether to take the ethical path or the corrupt path, then we do have a choice. We discussed how our society is truly driven by money and our obsession with materialism. It is when we follow the path that will make us the most happy, not grant us the most possessions that we are in the mountains.
All of this talk got me thinking about my own ethical values and where they came from, about my parents, siblings and people around me who serve as varying examples of products of society. For instance, my parents have never been money driven people. They are teachers who mainly want to live a simple, quiet life that is free of financial worry. My brother and I always joke that they are reformed hippies, because while they still uphold many of the view points of the liberal non-mainstream, they have become more "normal". I think this is in part due to the fact that we left the diversity and culture of the city to live in a better school district, a mainly white suburban town. I think my brother and I were also influences on my parents. When we were younger my mom tried to make us eat thick fresh baked slices of bread for our sandwiches, but all we really wanted was homogenized white bread like everyone else. Because my brother and I were young and impressionable, and just plain old kids who wanted to fit in, my family sort of blindly acclamated to our surroundings. Now this isn't all dealing with ethics--I think my parents have remained very moral and conscientious people throughout all this, it's just that now they wear Old Navy and drive an SUV because that's sort of considered normal.
For me this all comes back to another quote we discussed in class, dealing with dreams, "Follow your bliss." What is at the heart of the issue of ethics and our society, is that people don't follow their dreams, they think that the decisions in life are already made for them, that the have to go to college to get a good job and make lots of money. That's it. No questions asked. Few people today step back from this sort of destined path and ask why they are doing this or if this is really what they want. So many of us ignore what we really want to appear normal and to lead a comfortable life. This made me think of other people around me. My parents friend John is probably the biggest hippie I've ever met, and I've met quite a few. His whole life he has supported himself off of his art and music, selling his work and teaching classes. He was one of those people who didn't follow the path people told him to, accept because of his radical views he recently had to find a "real" job. After not paying his taxes for a number of years (his own fault and an ethical dilemma in itself) he is now working as a bus driver. Even though he got himself into this situation, it's sad to think that people who do follow their dreams sometimes get shit on. It makes you think, jesus christ I am so fucked. No matter what I do, if I take the dirty path or the righteous one I'm gonna be screwed. It's a pretty depressing thought.
This also makes me think of my brother. Andrew has always been the child who has wanted to be "normal". He used to dream of being a cartoonist or film maker, but somehow grew out of that and found his true passion: politics. Now I am amazed that my brother loves it so much. He reads more than anyone I know and is so up to date on all world affairs. Politics itself isn't known as an ethical profession and my brother is certainly realistic in his views about politics, but at the same time he really wants to do something good for the world. I find that so admirable. For awhile he thought he was going to become a lawyer for the sake of becoming a lawyer, but in the past year he has decided to follow his true dream, which is to work in intelligence. I have my own ethical issues and questions with the government and intelligence, but this is truly his passion and he is putting himself out on the line by following it. He is going to enlist soon, which scares the hell out of me but it's something he really wants to do. It's just funny because somehow I feel like he is the more mainstream child who wants to backlash against his parents, and I am the child who loves the fact that my parents were hippies and raised me in this sort of weird environment. Andrew is still a serious liberal (my parents might disown him otherwise) but he doesn't have the same appreciation for weirdness and counter culture that I do. It's funny how we're two very different products of the same environment.
Mostly I think I've been really lucky that my parents never stressed the importance of money on me and instead stressed being a good person and doing what I want to do. They never pressured me to follow a certain path, any pressure I felt was self-inflicted. I know it is important to them that I get an education and it's equally as important to me, but I also know that whatever I end up doing or whoever I become they will support me. Their acceptance and support has really shaped who I am, because I never felt the pressure to be anyone but myself.
Monday, March 24, 2008
She & Him: Volume I
Actress Zooey Deschanel's latest work is not in movie form, but in the shape of another small disc, an album. Deschanel recently put out a cd with M. Ward as producer, with their collaboration titled She and Him. Volume One is a charming cd, full of twang and nods to the seventies. Deschanel's voice sounds like a simple and refined Joanna Newsom on the single "Sentimental Heart". Much of the songs have drawn resemblances to various old-timey styles like motown, seventies folk and also the cheesy hits of female singers during this decade. Cheese in an artistic sense is usually a horrible description, but on "I Thought I Saw Your Face Today" it manages to be so sweet that you'll be glad Ward and Deschanel brought it back. Ward joins Deschanel on the cover of the Beatles song "I Should Have Known Better" and with the addition of a ukulele, the classic is transported to Hawaii. Comparisons of Deschanel's vocals and style has been drawn to Carol King and Linda Ronstadt. So check it out, it's a decent listen.
http://hypem.com/search/she%20and%20him/1/
http://hypem.com/search/she%20and%20him/1/
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
As a sophomore, with reggaeton
I have to say, I have not been so excited or obsessed with a cd since my junior year of high school when I first heard Rilo Kiley's More Adventurous. The ivy-league quartet, Vampire Weekend has got me in lust. I popped their cd into my car and have literally been listening to it on repeat. All the hype around them is deserved, their sound is fresh and providing a nice spice to the indie world. As a child who grew up on Paul Simon's Graceland, I appreciate the renaissance of African beats. The caribbean influence, horns and flutes wrapped up in the guise of a preppy indie band is a hidden surprise. Even my 64 year old dad loves them (and has said he's going to thrown their name around in conversation and see where it gets him).
Check out this article
http://www.spin.com/articles/vampire-weekend-graduates
Check out this article
http://www.spin.com/articles/vampire-weekend-graduates
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Micky D's
I wrote this a month or so ago when coming home from college. I'm not sure if it's really finished or not, but I'm posting it here for the sake of explaining the recent irony. I thought it was funny and satirical, but now I have a newfound appreciation for Mcdonalds.
Coming home from a semester of stress for winter break, I was driving down Interstate-90 with country pastures to my left and forests on gridlocked land to my right. Peaking out from a cluster of trees was a golden glow, the emblematic arch that sways travelers off their designated path towards gluttonous treasure. That’s when it hit me. BAM. It was so appalling and obvious I simultaneously laughed and grunted, a chortle that came out like a stifled sneeze.
McDonald’s is America’s church. It’s what we worship once a week (at least). If we knew who to pray to it would be Epicurus for starting the trend that makes sinful pleasures cool. Worshipping the guy who allowed us to commercialize and capitalize on something that clogs our arteries and leads to heart disease. Instead of looking for the glowing cross in the distance in times of salvation (or starvation,) we look for the yellow arch, the universal sign of trans fats and obesity. This steeple of burger land is an omnipresent being and also a quintessential American representation worldwide. NOTHING shouts America louder than this company’s logo.
In this sense our food of faith has become a global phenomenon. For the rest of the world, it’s like the tribal religions in Africa, an isolated concept everyone knows about, but does not necessarily take part in. The rest of the world doesn’t get it. They understand our country is made up of greedy, overweight middle aged men who frequent Micky D’s, but they don’t get why. Only the American, the patriotic mcnuggeter, can truly get it.
So why is my criticism of America and McDonald's ironic now? Well, driving back to college my car broke down and my central locale on two occasions was McDonald's. I was stuck in a small town with a garage that my car was stuck at and down the road was a McDonald's, the only other commercial sight around. My aunt and uncle rescued me here--"oh ok, the McDonald's right off the exit, yeah we can pick you up there." Then, my friends picked me up near their house met us at a McDonald's. I guess the glow of the arches does come in handy for more than just a rumbling stomach.
Coming home from a semester of stress for winter break, I was driving down Interstate-90 with country pastures to my left and forests on gridlocked land to my right. Peaking out from a cluster of trees was a golden glow, the emblematic arch that sways travelers off their designated path towards gluttonous treasure. That’s when it hit me. BAM. It was so appalling and obvious I simultaneously laughed and grunted, a chortle that came out like a stifled sneeze.
McDonald’s is America’s church. It’s what we worship once a week (at least). If we knew who to pray to it would be Epicurus for starting the trend that makes sinful pleasures cool. Worshipping the guy who allowed us to commercialize and capitalize on something that clogs our arteries and leads to heart disease. Instead of looking for the glowing cross in the distance in times of salvation (or starvation,) we look for the yellow arch, the universal sign of trans fats and obesity. This steeple of burger land is an omnipresent being and also a quintessential American representation worldwide. NOTHING shouts America louder than this company’s logo.
In this sense our food of faith has become a global phenomenon. For the rest of the world, it’s like the tribal religions in Africa, an isolated concept everyone knows about, but does not necessarily take part in. The rest of the world doesn’t get it. They understand our country is made up of greedy, overweight middle aged men who frequent Micky D’s, but they don’t get why. Only the American, the patriotic mcnuggeter, can truly get it.
So why is my criticism of America and McDonald's ironic now? Well, driving back to college my car broke down and my central locale on two occasions was McDonald's. I was stuck in a small town with a garage that my car was stuck at and down the road was a McDonald's, the only other commercial sight around. My aunt and uncle rescued me here--"oh ok, the McDonald's right off the exit, yeah we can pick you up there." Then, my friends picked me up near their house met us at a McDonald's. I guess the glow of the arches does come in handy for more than just a rumbling stomach.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Concerts
I decided tonight after seeing the Fiery Furnaces that I should keep some sort of record or journal of all the concerts I have been to. Here's me trying to recreate the list starting with 7th grade.
Jingle Jam-Shaggy, Christina Aguilera, Boys 2 Men
Guster
Ben Folds
Nickel Creek
Guster/Ben Folds/Rufus Wainwright
Sarah Slean
Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab for Cutie
Rilo Kiley/Coldplay
Ben Lee
Regina Spektor
Nickel Creek/Fiona Apple
Kevin Devine
Interpol
Siren Music Fest-The Black Lips/We Are Scientists
Brazilian Girls
Cat Empire
Mount Eerie/Microphones/Phil Elvrum whatever name he's going by these days
Andrew Bird
The Fiery Furnaces
Boz Scaggs
Of Montreal
Akron/Family
Vetiver
Camera Obscura
I'm sure I'm missing a few, but those are the notables.
I also saw Joe Cocker as a baby, but that's only because my parents used my diaper bag to sneak in beer.
Jingle Jam-Shaggy, Christina Aguilera, Boys 2 Men
Guster
Ben Folds
Nickel Creek
Guster/Ben Folds/Rufus Wainwright
Sarah Slean
Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab for Cutie
Rilo Kiley/Coldplay
Ben Lee
Regina Spektor
Nickel Creek/Fiona Apple
Kevin Devine
Interpol
Siren Music Fest-The Black Lips/We Are Scientists
Brazilian Girls
Cat Empire
Mount Eerie/Microphones/Phil Elvrum whatever name he's going by these days
Andrew Bird
The Fiery Furnaces
Boz Scaggs
Of Montreal
Akron/Family
Vetiver
Camera Obscura
I'm sure I'm missing a few, but those are the notables.
I also saw Joe Cocker as a baby, but that's only because my parents used my diaper bag to sneak in beer.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
When it Snows Outside/Musicbox
The best time for snow is late at night. The hours between twelve and three are perfect for a wintry haze. Insomniacs, college kids and the restless are awake for these showers of pristine glow. The moist whiteness falls onto unclouded roads, left unaltered by footprints or tire tracks. They are the few moments of the day where one can look out and sense the overruling omniscience of nature, enveloping our tiny communities and cities and states, billowing over the work that we’ve done. It’s like a haphazard alarm, sporadically reminding us that there are some things that we can’t control.
Here's another one of my musings, this one about music.
Today as I was sitting in the car at the mall, waiting in the parking lot for Rilo Kiley to end their song and David Dye to take a commercial break and I found myself thinking. What if, human beings could walk around to the melody of their own perpetual and ethereal soundtrack? A heavenly ipod that only the listener can hear. It’s like living in your own bubble that comes fully equipped with an overhead boom box. Everyone would have one, and only they would hear it. It would be like if God were the ultimate DJ and innately knew what each person wanted to hear at each moment. He would interrupt and end their song if someone about to have a conversation approached them or if it were a nuisance. Uncomplicated, it would be. No gadgets, no device to carry and weigh you down. If only our lives were like they are on film, narrated by a beautiful soundtrack that accompanies your scenes and fits your moods.
Here's another one of my musings, this one about music.
Today as I was sitting in the car at the mall, waiting in the parking lot for Rilo Kiley to end their song and David Dye to take a commercial break and I found myself thinking. What if, human beings could walk around to the melody of their own perpetual and ethereal soundtrack? A heavenly ipod that only the listener can hear. It’s like living in your own bubble that comes fully equipped with an overhead boom box. Everyone would have one, and only they would hear it. It would be like if God were the ultimate DJ and innately knew what each person wanted to hear at each moment. He would interrupt and end their song if someone about to have a conversation approached them or if it were a nuisance. Uncomplicated, it would be. No gadgets, no device to carry and weigh you down. If only our lives were like they are on film, narrated by a beautiful soundtrack that accompanies your scenes and fits your moods.
Someone to Share My Life With
I decided to start this as a medium for my late night ramblings. Mostly I plan to use this as a creative outlet, not just a personal diary. I have always loved to write, and college is allowing me to explore that. Also the urges to write are becoming more frequent as inspiration randomly strikes. I'm going to post a few random things I've written lately, not for anyone but myself. As a wannabe music journalist, perhaps someday I'll post some reviews and recommendations. For now, here are a few random thoughts that I've attempted to capture.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)