A Lack of Color

There is something in me that has developed over the past few years. A lack of confidence. A muted " I wont say anything in case I say the wrong thing" kind of attitude. I want to know what happened to me. I used to be a go-getter, the teachers pet, outspoken and confident. I feel like the closer I get to adulthood, to post-college-on-my-own-life the more I withdraw and hide. I feel like I am always making excuses for my lack of confidence or intellect. I know that I am a smart, capable, driven person, but there are few settings in which I feel truly comfortable sharing that. My internship this summer was a great learning experience and I had my confidence tested all the time. I cried a lot, but also grew a lot. I learned how to take criticism on my writing and I ended up getting a very good review from them. Now, studying abroad I feel like that dumb girl from a tiny state school amongst the brains from expensive private schools who has always done well and been active in school. I know that most of them are not all that much smarter than me. I am certainly capable of holding my own in class and on tests and papers, but I cant seem to vocalize it. I have a serious issue with public speaking, even around my peers. When a mass group comes together I get nervous and shakey. If it is just a small group it is fine. The thing is, this seems to conflict with my leading nature. I like to lead. I naturally take charge in situations and especially group projects. Yesterday I had a presentation and for the first time all semester I spoke a lot and fairly well. I led us as a group and it just seemed normal. So how can I learn not to let my head get in the way other times? How can I learn to stop making excuses and correct my ways? I know that I cannot continue to be this way if I want to succeed in life. I am going to have to stick up for myself and speak out, not be the meek pushover. My friend once said that my downfall was not having a wild streak where I hit rock bottom and that after that I was full of confidence because I knew what it was like to be so low and know that you can never go any lower. Well, Id like to find my own solution without a drug habit or rebellious phase, but I can see what he means. I just feel like Ive always been pretty good at a lot of things and never excellent at one thing. It is weird because I dont believe in fate, but for some people it seems so obvious that they are meant to do one thing. I dont feel this way. I have constant doubts about my future and my major. I know that there isnt going to be any quick answer to is this the right career path for me, but I would like to find a way to be comfortable with myself and believe in myself without anyone else telling me to. I want to believe it because in my strife for success I am going to need it. I dont think that I can become the person I want to without that kind of confidence. I really need to find it.