Near Misses

Regrets can be as simple as wishing we had remembered an umbrella on a rainy day and as complicated as wishing one didnt choose that school or that partner or that job. I dont have many regrets in my short twenty years, but I can see why others might. Mostly, I have regrets about not becoming closer to certain people in my life. About not reaching out when there obviously is something there or a friendship about to bud. There are two people that fit this discription in my life, both of whom I grew closer to this summer. Being in college makes life tricky. The constant shuffle, transported from my hometown to my college town, transitioning from one group of friends and environment to the other. This summer when my high school friends failed me, I turned to my coworkers. People that I grew to love and care about, even though our socialization primarily took place at work. These two are both guys, one my peer who I instantly hit it off with, whose sense of humor makes me smile and carefree ways make me jealous. The other is someone slightly older, who has gone through so much in his life, who is so troubled but also has so much to give. My relationship with the two grew over the summer and we did become friends, but I only hung out with both of them is confusing. Our affection for one another is obvious, but what is that affection? Purely platonic? Do they like me? Do I like them? Am I attracted to them? I really have no clue what the real answers are, all I know is that I gravitate towards both of them and when an easy and instant connection and friendship is made its not something I want to surpass.

I have not heard from the older guy since the summer. I gave him my email hoping he would write some witty piece that would make me think and laugh. I hoped to write back to him and tell him about my travels in Europe. I thought something would go further with our relationship instead of being stunted until Christmas when then it would be replenished like a dying plant with water and sunlight. Now with him,I am sort of sure he had a thing for me. I went to his birthday party and drank until 6 am, we talked about music and he sat close to me on the couch. As I was about to leave in his drunken state he shouted out something like " Its okay I get it. Youre not interested." WHOA did not see that coming. The truth is, I dont know if I am and its not fair to lead him on, but I did not want things to end like that.I didnt see him after that because I was leaving for Denmark, but I left him another mix CD and hoped that would be a peace offering or at least encourage him to write to me. I really valued what we had started. I am a sucker for a guy with intellect, for someone who could give a shit about appearing like a smart college-bred guy but who has all the components to really do something amazing. I know it sounds cliche, but this is this guy. He is the smartest person Ive ever met with the biggest vocabulary. He writes hilarious and poignant memoirs about his adolescence and early twenties--stories that are so ridiculous they hardly seem real and could only happen to him. I love talking about music and books with him. I wish we could have kept our reparte up. I have no idea what will happen when I go back. Im sure he will be friendly and we will talk music and I will tell him about Europe, but hes the kind of person I want to reach out to and get close to. I want to see where he lives and how he lives, meet up for coffee and just talk, but I dont know how to do that with him. He is a very closed off person. He makes fun of you if he likes you. If he doesnt like you, he doesnt talk to you. Its funny because it was always so obvious that the only things he could find to make fun of me were that I dressed like a librarian and was a Herendeen. Two things he couldnt love more. Nerdy girls and my family. He really wants to be one of us, not having a good family of his own. Its hard because we are often in two different places and because we are at two different points in our lives. How do you become close with someone who rarely lets people in and with someone who already gave you a shot at getting close? I dont know. I just really appreciate who he is and how talented he is. I wish I was as naturally gifted as he and to be honest, I really appreciate that he likes me. This silly 20 year old who thinks she knows a lot about the world but probably doesnt, who is school-minded but not that smart. It is just nice that someone would look at me and think that I am smart enough and interesting enough and appreciate what I have to give and say.