Save Me From What I [Think I] Want

A lot has changed in the past year. I've grown up. I am largely an independent adult, but I also largely a lost girl grasping through the dark feeling her way through every emotion and change and situation. I've come a long way. I've admitted to myself who I am, but not to everyone around me. Yet still I don't know what I want even remotely. As I write this I'm alone in my house--my housemates all gone for winter break and I find the silence both comforting and lonely. If I were happy, the silence would be fine. I'd be okay with living here on my own. I'd have drive and direction and not just want to sleep, eat or drink. While I'm not so far gone that I'm only doing these three things, they still are the things that I want to be doing. I'm trying to be good, to go the gym, to work out, eat right, read, put time towards thinking and being instead of constant distraction, but it's hard. I want to date someone. I want to meet someone that makes me so happy and enthusiastic about life. No more bar flirtations and drunken hook-ups, the real deal. Even when I have a drunken hook-up I immediately want to validate it by getting to know the person and dating them. Or I just want the attention. I don't know. I want to be wanted. But in being the wantee, am I losing sight of what I actually want? It gets more and more confusing every day. Sometimes I think I know what I want. I want to meet a nice girl that I click with and have something real. But damn, where do you meet them? When you live in a small town you pretty much know all the options...Other days I think okay, there's a cute guy right in front of me, go for that. I think I'll always have this confusion over my sexuality, even if in the long run I know what's right and what I want. The chase is addictive. Right now I'd settle for someone to cuddle with in my bed. But I also fear that in their embrace I'd be stifling my tears, holding back the truth.