A Lack of Color

There is something in me that has developed over the past few years. A lack of confidence. A muted " I wont say anything in case I say the wrong thing" kind of attitude. I want to know what happened to me. I used to be a go-getter, the teachers pet, outspoken and confident. I feel like the closer I get to adulthood, to post-college-on-my-own-life the more I withdraw and hide. I feel like I am always making excuses for my lack of confidence or intellect. I know that I am a smart, capable, driven person, but there are few settings in which I feel truly comfortable sharing that. My internship this summer was a great learning experience and I had my confidence tested all the time. I cried a lot, but also grew a lot. I learned how to take criticism on my writing and I ended up getting a very good review from them. Now, studying abroad I feel like that dumb girl from a tiny state school amongst the brains from expensive private schools who has always done well and been active in school. I know that most of them are not all that much smarter than me. I am certainly capable of holding my own in class and on tests and papers, but I cant seem to vocalize it. I have a serious issue with public speaking, even around my peers. When a mass group comes together I get nervous and shakey. If it is just a small group it is fine. The thing is, this seems to conflict with my leading nature. I like to lead. I naturally take charge in situations and especially group projects. Yesterday I had a presentation and for the first time all semester I spoke a lot and fairly well. I led us as a group and it just seemed normal. So how can I learn not to let my head get in the way other times? How can I learn to stop making excuses and correct my ways? I know that I cannot continue to be this way if I want to succeed in life. I am going to have to stick up for myself and speak out, not be the meek pushover. My friend once said that my downfall was not having a wild streak where I hit rock bottom and that after that I was full of confidence because I knew what it was like to be so low and know that you can never go any lower. Well, Id like to find my own solution without a drug habit or rebellious phase, but I can see what he means. I just feel like Ive always been pretty good at a lot of things and never excellent at one thing. It is weird because I dont believe in fate, but for some people it seems so obvious that they are meant to do one thing. I dont feel this way. I have constant doubts about my future and my major. I know that there isnt going to be any quick answer to is this the right career path for me, but I would like to find a way to be comfortable with myself and believe in myself without anyone else telling me to. I want to believe it because in my strife for success I am going to need it. I dont think that I can become the person I want to without that kind of confidence. I really need to find it.

Near Misses

Regrets can be as simple as wishing we had remembered an umbrella on a rainy day and as complicated as wishing one didnt choose that school or that partner or that job. I dont have many regrets in my short twenty years, but I can see why others might. Mostly, I have regrets about not becoming closer to certain people in my life. About not reaching out when there obviously is something there or a friendship about to bud. There are two people that fit this discription in my life, both of whom I grew closer to this summer. Being in college makes life tricky. The constant shuffle, transported from my hometown to my college town, transitioning from one group of friends and environment to the other. This summer when my high school friends failed me, I turned to my coworkers. People that I grew to love and care about, even though our socialization primarily took place at work. These two are both guys, one my peer who I instantly hit it off with, whose sense of humor makes me smile and carefree ways make me jealous. The other is someone slightly older, who has gone through so much in his life, who is so troubled but also has so much to give. My relationship with the two grew over the summer and we did become friends, but I only hung out with both of them is confusing. Our affection for one another is obvious, but what is that affection? Purely platonic? Do they like me? Do I like them? Am I attracted to them? I really have no clue what the real answers are, all I know is that I gravitate towards both of them and when an easy and instant connection and friendship is made its not something I want to surpass.

I have not heard from the older guy since the summer. I gave him my email hoping he would write some witty piece that would make me think and laugh. I hoped to write back to him and tell him about my travels in Europe. I thought something would go further with our relationship instead of being stunted until Christmas when then it would be replenished like a dying plant with water and sunlight. Now with him,I am sort of sure he had a thing for me. I went to his birthday party and drank until 6 am, we talked about music and he sat close to me on the couch. As I was about to leave in his drunken state he shouted out something like " Its okay I get it. Youre not interested." WHOA did not see that coming. The truth is, I dont know if I am and its not fair to lead him on, but I did not want things to end like that.I didnt see him after that because I was leaving for Denmark, but I left him another mix CD and hoped that would be a peace offering or at least encourage him to write to me. I really valued what we had started. I am a sucker for a guy with intellect, for someone who could give a shit about appearing like a smart college-bred guy but who has all the components to really do something amazing. I know it sounds cliche, but this is this guy. He is the smartest person Ive ever met with the biggest vocabulary. He writes hilarious and poignant memoirs about his adolescence and early twenties--stories that are so ridiculous they hardly seem real and could only happen to him. I love talking about music and books with him. I wish we could have kept our reparte up. I have no idea what will happen when I go back. Im sure he will be friendly and we will talk music and I will tell him about Europe, but hes the kind of person I want to reach out to and get close to. I want to see where he lives and how he lives, meet up for coffee and just talk, but I dont know how to do that with him. He is a very closed off person. He makes fun of you if he likes you. If he doesnt like you, he doesnt talk to you. Its funny because it was always so obvious that the only things he could find to make fun of me were that I dressed like a librarian and was a Herendeen. Two things he couldnt love more. Nerdy girls and my family. He really wants to be one of us, not having a good family of his own. Its hard because we are often in two different places and because we are at two different points in our lives. How do you become close with someone who rarely lets people in and with someone who already gave you a shot at getting close? I dont know. I just really appreciate who he is and how talented he is. I wish I was as naturally gifted as he and to be honest, I really appreciate that he likes me. This silly 20 year old who thinks she knows a lot about the world but probably doesnt, who is school-minded but not that smart. It is just nice that someone would look at me and think that I am smart enough and interesting enough and appreciate what I have to give and say.

Love is Simple

So I've been in Denmark for over 2 months now, traveled for three weeks to London, Prague, Berlin, Rome and Florence and had an amazing time. It's remarkable how many places and things I have seen in the world. From The Sistine Chapel to the pyramids to the Berlin Wall. I feel very lucky. I love being here and no longer have any qualms about it. Despite the fact that it's like a fake life, I love being on my own and living in a city. Even the little things like taking public transportation, cooking for myself and taking in all the bustle of city life. I do not want to go back to New Paltz purely because I don't want to be in college anymore; I feel ready for adulthood, complete with a job and apartment and location away from the parents. What I really want to write about, however, is something about the election, since yesterday was a momentous day in American history.

In Denmark, the Danes were just as eager as the Americans to watch the election. Many of them joined us at the Happy Pig, a hole-in the wall sort of bar that was crammed full of American students eager to see the outcome of the race. Our six-hours ahead meant that while our families and friends back home were watching in primetime, we were watching in the wee hours of the morning, carlsbergs clenched in our fits ready for consumption, their purpose to simultaneously calm our nerves and pump them up. As an American abroad, my fear over this election has become one of a more global perspective. I see firsthand how our economic crisis is causing failures in Europe, how the costs of goods are going up as one after another economies fall into recession. For the past eight years we have been the shame of the world, everyone looking down upon us for our presidents deeds--a man who has proven undeserving of our trust, yet a man who we elected, entrusting the most important decisions of our lives in his hands. For my generation, we were finally given the promise of a new beginning. Not a tabula rosa, but at least a low starting ground where we can slowly climb our way back up, one wrung at a time, hopefully regaining the trust of the world and the trust of citizens towards government. So we drank and we watched. It was not until 1 that any information started to come in and even then we only saw the obvious states. Vermont was the first to go blue and slowly others followed. McCain has has share of wins too, but the preliminary results showed Obama winning in Pennsylvania, Indiana, Florida and Virgina. All swing states, all vital to a win. Indiana and Virginia soon became too close to call, but the key state in 2000, Florida went blue as did the swinger in 2004, Pennsylvania. My confidence was building, partially because of the two beers I had, partially because of the chorus of cheers every time Obama won a state and partially because I truly believed that our country was going to make the first right choice in eight years. My friends and I watched in anticipation, spouting liberal politics that certainly sounded uneducated, but we were fired up, dammit. None of us were over the age of 30, most of us were voting in our first presidential race. It could not get any better than that. A collection of young Americans, open-minded and liberal and a black man who was going to dig us out of a ditch was getting closer and closer to a victory. At some point I had to leave the bar and try and find my way home by night bus. This itself was an adventure, taking about an hour although I only live 20 minutes from central Copenhagen. My friend passed out on my couch, but it was only 4 and nothing had been decided yet although the odds were considerably in Obama's favor at this point. At 5 something a danish news clip was interrupted by Katie Couric, announcing that Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States. The happiness and relief seeped in. I didn't have to worry about Sarah Palin or another Bush. America had come together. We had by considerable measures decided that this man was the right fit for our president. Numbers came out like never before--from young people and minorities. The election of Obama doesn't just prove that our global reputation can be repaired or that there is a chance for a fixed economy, a resolved war, gay marriage or universal health care--it proves that the American dream is a reality. Maybe not for every citizen, but if a bi-racial man who came from nothing and has the middle name Hussein can be our president, it proves that we can strive to the top, no matter our background. We are leaving behind almost a decade of bigotry and hatred and instead choosing acceptance. Never has the term "we" as an American been so inclusive and never have I felt this proud to be American. Now when I meet someone in Europe, I will proudly say that I am American, knowing that they may look at me and my country a little differently.